Grief, Retirement & Intermittent Fasting

It's been a minute since I've had the energy to sit down and write and I am not beating myself up over it.  Part of it is I just haven't been in a place to really expound/share on the loss of my mama. I was honestly busy working as well as giving myself time to experience the loss of someone so special and integral to my life and I wasn't really willing to share that time with anyone, let alone write it all down.  Now that it's been almost 2 years since mama has passed I have a better handle on my emotions and feel inspired to start writing again. If not for anyone, for myself.  So really this is for me but if someone out there reads this and it helps that will just be icing on the cake. An extra blessing, if you will.

 I feel mama's loss in a much different way than I did a year ago, it now feels a bit softer and not so sharp and painful. It's the feeling of acceptance and of opening myself up to another level of grieving. I honestly don't think grief ever goes completely away, especially when you love someone so completely and deeply. There are just new levels to experience and sometimes they are easier and other times not so much. I am in a good head space and have moved into a softer grief and for that I am ever so grateful. I miss you mama but I know you are in a better place and I will see you again someday.

ALSO... I am "retired" if you can call it that at 49. I started working at a Chiropractors office as a Chiropractic Assistant and running their front office in November of 2017 and retired this August.  Covid-19 hit us like everyone else but because we were a Chiropractic office we didn't have to close and couldn't practically work from home so it was business as usual. We did have some weeks it was pretty slow but all in all it wasn't too bad. Honestly, I loved working there but I was ready to be done especially because my M-I-L will be coming to live with us soon due to her Alzheimer's disease and I wanted some time for myself before that happened. (Side note, my husband has just retired as well so we have a lot of time to spend on our many projects and on us. I'm pretty excited about that.)

 

I have been diligently focusing on my health since I've been home and have made some big changes that are making a huge difference in my everyday life. One of those things is food related.  I have been on a weight loss journey since April and slowly over time I have lost 24.6 lbs. Slow and steady, right! I feel great and look great (if I do say so myself) and have a couple of new things I've added to my health regime.  Wait for it...

 So. . . I started this thing called intermittent fasting.  What, you may be asking is intermittent fasting? Well let me tell you. Intermittent fasting is simply time restricted eating. You fast for a certain number of hours and eat during a certain time frame. It can be a schedule of 16:8 or 18:6 or 20:4 or 5:2 and what those numbers mean is you can fast for 16 hours or 18 hours or 20 hours or however long you'd like. The second set of numbers after the : is the amount of time you have to eat your meals . The 5:2 fast, also known as The Fast Diet, is a popular intermittent fasting diet. It was popularized by British journalist Michael Mosley. It's called the 5:2 diet because five days of the week are normal eating days, while the other two restrict calories to 500–600 per day. 

*While I am fasting, I am also eating normal calories and for me that means eating between my BMR and TDEE (there are many calculators for BMR & TDEE online) although during my long fasts (23:1) I eat under my calories for obvious reasons. 1 hour isn't a lot of time to eat 1500 calories so naturally I eat less on those days*

I started fasting on August 19th 2020 with an 16:8 schedule. What that means is I fasted for 16 hours and ate within an 8hr time frame. It really has been super easy to implement into my life and I have noticed a huge decrease in my daily pain and fatigue.  

*Intermittent fasting helps to regulate blood sugar, insulin response in your body, fights cancer, and reduces inflammation.  It can also help with weight and fat loss. Another benefit of fasting is Autophagy.  *Autophagy is the body's way of cleaning out damaged cells, in order to regenerate newer, healthier cells, according to Priya Khorana, PhD, in nutrition education from Columbia University. “Auto” means self and “phagy” means eat. So the literal meaning of autophagy is “self-eating.”* This effect usually starts around the 18-20 hour of fasting with maximum benefits occurring around the 48-72 hour mark. Autophagy and it's benefit is still being studied*

So after doing a 16:8 schedule for a few days I tried an 18:6 schedule, then a 20:4 schedule and finally a 23:1 schedule. I just started a challenge for myself for the month of October where I will be doing 10,000 steps daily as well as 23:1 and 18:6 on alternating days. So one day I will fast 23 hours and eat within a one hour time frame and the next day I will fast for 18 hours and eat within a 6 hour time frame. For example, today was a 23:1 schedule day and it started yesterday at 3pm. I fasted from 3pm yesterday to 2pm today and ate from 2pm-3pm-ish and started tomorrows fast at 4pm today and that will end at 10am tomorrow morning. 

I feel 100% better fasting than I did before and that is what I was after. Before I started fasting I was in constant daily pain and had chronic fatigue and was in bed a lot of the time. Since I started fasting my pain has decreased significantly and fatigue is nowhere to be found most days. In addition to fasting I am eating low-ish (under 100g) carb most days of the week, not sure that has anything to do with it but who knows. Another benefit of fasting, for me, is I don't feel like food has control of me anymore. What I mean by that is the act of counting calories forces you to be food focused and that can be either a good thing or a bad thing.  For me it was a bad thing. Now don't get me wrong I still count calories but am no longer obsessed with it or controlled by it. 

And that my friends is what I have been doing this past year.  Life is looking up and for that I am glad. May this find you happy and healthy. Blessings!

"Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2020 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.

Wisdom From Trauma

"Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you got
Taking a break from all your worries
It sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?"

 

It's difficult finding my way through life without worries and especially sadness but that's a part of life, right?! We all deal with stress, worries and emotional turmoil from time to time.  I am so thankful that God uses these trials and worries to teach me something more lasting and something I can pass on to my children and maybe someone who is struggling with something I have weathered already. I'd like to think I have some modicum of wisdom somewhere in my pea brain. I don't always use that wisdom but it's in there somewhere and it does occasionally show up when I am in need of it.  At 48 I hope I have acquired some wisdom and that I have passed, at least, a tiny bit of it on to my 4 children.  The jury's still out on that. Time will tell.

For instance, I hope that I have taught each of them that the people we love can't and won't live forever but we can still keep pieces of them alive in our memories.  Also that death is not the end, it's just the beginning of the next chapter. Mama has been gone 6 months tomorrow but I am blessed to have many memories that I carry with me and anytime I want I can look back and remember the times I shared with her. Those memories help keep her alive in my mind. I also have the assurance that someday mama and I will be together again in heaven. To be honest I am a bit impatient to see and hug her but it's not my time yet, so in the meantime, I must be patient and wait.

 

I find myself dreaming of mama and how she died, it's disconcerting and heartbreaking.  I'd really rather never think of the way she died, but the mind is a funny thing and that memory is stamped indelibly in my memory bank.  I wake up many mornings with that memory shouting at me for attention and it makes for a very difficult way to start my day. I have to tell myself she didn't suffer much and that she went quickly but I'm not convinced and obviously my brain hasn't reconciled that thought either. I am trusting that it will eventually go quietly into the night and allow me some peace, someday. It's interesting how the mind works.  Mama died almost 6 months ago and I often think of calling her and talking to her, then shortly after I remember that I can't.  She has changed her last address to a new and better heavenly address. We are separated temporarily but I hope she can see me and is at peace with how things ended for her. I'm not sure if there is any wisdom to impart to my children or others in this situation, except maybe the lesson is to focus on the positive memories you made and to realize that your brain is still trying to find peace with the loss of someone so significant to you. Give yourself time to heal from the trauma, be patient and be kind to yourself. Allow your brain to adjust to this new reality. 

 I do understand that anyone who has lost someone they loved dearly knows how I feel,  but to me, it's as if I am the only one feeling this way. I can only assume that is normal, I don't know.  She was my best friend and such a beautiful presence and now she isn't.  Just like that, she isn't. You think it will never happen to you, until it does and then it's just over abruptly and there isn't time to say any last words or get one more hug, nothing! You're just left there trying to accept that your loved one is gone and you have no idea how to go on without them.  Your brain tries to adjust to this new world and it's a bit glitchy if I can be honest.  My brain still hasn't fully accepted she is gone, because sometimes a thought pops out and says I need to call mama and see how she is. Or, oh I want to share something with her, but I can't.  Does it take a year, two years to finally accept your loved one is gone or am I in for a lifetime of this? I suppose only time will tell.  Perhaps the lesson here is patience.  Don't rush it.  Allow yourself to take however long it takes to heal and move on in a positive and healthy way. I am trying to gently remind myself of this very thing.  

I had seriously different plans for mama and me.  She was semi-retired and we were going to see each other more often, go to the coast and take trips this summer, but that all changed suddenly.  Mama was so excited with her new lease on life, she was in remission from cancer and healthy and had such a lovely life ahead of her. I often wonder how God decided that mama's time was over. I have to trust he knows and sees the bigger picture and that this was for the best. I have to remember that someday it'll be made clear and I'll eventually understand. In the meantime, I must come to terms with her being gone. I am working on that. It will take time and it will take perseverance.  The wisdom here is, you can plan your future all you want but God has his own plans for you and they rarely line up perfectly with yours. Surrender and allow God to guide you. I am currently working on this one here.  It's not an easy thing to surrender and let someone else be in control, but it's a necessary thing with God. He sees the bigger picture and I believe he ultimately has our best interest at heart. 

 

 

I will continue to move forward and I truly hope that it will get easier with the passage of time.  I am incredibly blessed to have a large support system and a lot of soft shoulders to cry on. Blessings to you and yours as you go through the days ahead.

"Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.

The Aftermath Of Losing Someone

It's amazing just how profoundly loss effects your life.  Grief sneaks into every area of my day.  Not to say that I dwell constantly on missing mama but it's always there waiting to pop up unexpectedly.  It can be as simple as seeing a butterfly and it will remind me just how much I miss her. She loved butterflies. People keep saying, it'll get better with time but it's been 5 months and 15 days and I still feel so lost and sad.  I don't mean to say that I am a glummy gus or anything like that, it's just always there in the background

Grief is a complicated emotion. They say there are many facets of grief, I feel as though I am still in the shock and process of accepting it, stage 1.

I am also finding out that the stages don't always go in order nor do they only occur one time.  There are varying degrees of each stage and sometimes they come in waves that are as big as a building and other times they come in little drops here and there like a sprinkle during a summer storm. Some days I feel as though I have done a good job of accepting it and am moving through my day fairly in tact mentally then there are those other days where I am just sad and trying to make it to the end of the day without breaking down. See. I go from stage 5 right back to stage 1. That is okay. It's a process and I am moving through it in my own time and somedays I may go through every stage. I just have to remember to be patient with myself and others.

 If you have ever lost someone so significantly important in your life, you know exactly what I am saying. There is no rhyme or reason to loss, it ebbs and flows and if you are lucky you make it through to the other side in tact and mentally stronger.

As I said earlier grief impacts every area of life.  Every relationship you have is touched by grief, it invades your mind and wreaks havoc with your sleep and body. It takes away your ability to think clearly and is a continual reminder of just how much your life has changed. It changes the way you interact with your spouse especially if they are grieving the same loss as well.  It changes how happy go lucky you are into someone who is prone to cry at the drop of a hat.

I try to remember I am not the only one who is grieving my mama's passing, but my grief is what is front and center in my mind.  So as my family is moving through the grief process I know we are all doing it in our own way and in our own time, and that is okay. I can't help but feel that it is just my grief and my loss but it isn't.  Everyone who was touched by my precious mama is grieving. As we are going through this loss I can see we are still all in the beginning stages of loss, trying to accept she is gone and process the shock of her passing. Sometimes I see a glimpse of depression, lethargy, sadness and a general feeling of unwellness. At times it feels as if the grief will swallow me whole and I'll disappear.

 With all that being said, I soldier on like mamma would want and try to go on with my life as best I can.  I am working on reconnecting with God while going through this new part of my journey. It's hard and some days I'd really rather not speak to anyone else, in fact I'd really like to stay in bed and just not do life.  Fortunately I don't do those things because . .well, guilt I suppose.  The guilt stops me from staying in bed and from isolating myself.  I can't just disappear, I have a husband and children to tend to, relationships require daily intentional interaction.  I have a job and I am an integral part of the team there and it wouldn't be fair to leave them hanging every time I am having a difficult day.  Then there are the days I feel normal, and I'm laughing and smiling.  Those days I feel the most guilty. I am sure that is perfectly normal but it feels wrong.  So I am learning it's okay to feel whatever I am feeling regardless of if it's sadness, joy or crushing depression.  It'll pass.  Someday.  Not today but someday in the future. It.  Will.  Pass. 

So if you're going through grief, be kind and patient with yourself.  It changes everything and it is a long and arduous process.  It takes a lot of time and requires you to deal with many emotions at the same time.  It's going to be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow but someday it will be okay. Take this time to work through those emotions but as you do that be patient with yourself and with others. Spend time talking about them because they were yours and you were theirs and your lives were irrevocably intertwined. Nothing will ever change that fact.

 "Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.