The Aftermath Of Losing Someone

It's amazing just how profoundly loss effects your life.  Grief sneaks into every area of my day.  Not to say that I dwell constantly on missing mama but it's always there waiting to pop up unexpectedly.  It can be as simple as seeing a butterfly and it will remind me just how much I miss her. She loved butterflies. People keep saying, it'll get better with time but it's been 5 months and 15 days and I still feel so lost and sad.  I don't mean to say that I am a glummy gus or anything like that, it's just always there in the background

Grief is a complicated emotion. They say there are many facets of grief, I feel as though I am still in the shock and process of accepting it, stage 1.

I am also finding out that the stages don't always go in order nor do they only occur one time.  There are varying degrees of each stage and sometimes they come in waves that are as big as a building and other times they come in little drops here and there like a sprinkle during a summer storm. Some days I feel as though I have done a good job of accepting it and am moving through my day fairly in tact mentally then there are those other days where I am just sad and trying to make it to the end of the day without breaking down. See. I go from stage 5 right back to stage 1. That is okay. It's a process and I am moving through it in my own time and somedays I may go through every stage. I just have to remember to be patient with myself and others.

 If you have ever lost someone so significantly important in your life, you know exactly what I am saying. There is no rhyme or reason to loss, it ebbs and flows and if you are lucky you make it through to the other side in tact and mentally stronger.

As I said earlier grief impacts every area of life.  Every relationship you have is touched by grief, it invades your mind and wreaks havoc with your sleep and body. It takes away your ability to think clearly and is a continual reminder of just how much your life has changed. It changes the way you interact with your spouse especially if they are grieving the same loss as well.  It changes how happy go lucky you are into someone who is prone to cry at the drop of a hat.

I try to remember I am not the only one who is grieving my mama's passing, but my grief is what is front and center in my mind.  So as my family is moving through the grief process I know we are all doing it in our own way and in our own time, and that is okay. I can't help but feel that it is just my grief and my loss but it isn't.  Everyone who was touched by my precious mama is grieving. As we are going through this loss I can see we are still all in the beginning stages of loss, trying to accept she is gone and process the shock of her passing. Sometimes I see a glimpse of depression, lethargy, sadness and a general feeling of unwellness. At times it feels as if the grief will swallow me whole and I'll disappear.

 With all that being said, I soldier on like mamma would want and try to go on with my life as best I can.  I am working on reconnecting with God while going through this new part of my journey. It's hard and some days I'd really rather not speak to anyone else, in fact I'd really like to stay in bed and just not do life.  Fortunately I don't do those things because . .well, guilt I suppose.  The guilt stops me from staying in bed and from isolating myself.  I can't just disappear, I have a husband and children to tend to, relationships require daily intentional interaction.  I have a job and I am an integral part of the team there and it wouldn't be fair to leave them hanging every time I am having a difficult day.  Then there are the days I feel normal, and I'm laughing and smiling.  Those days I feel the most guilty. I am sure that is perfectly normal but it feels wrong.  So I am learning it's okay to feel whatever I am feeling regardless of if it's sadness, joy or crushing depression.  It'll pass.  Someday.  Not today but someday in the future. It.  Will.  Pass. 

So if you're going through grief, be kind and patient with yourself.  It changes everything and it is a long and arduous process.  It takes a lot of time and requires you to deal with many emotions at the same time.  It's going to be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow but someday it will be okay. Take this time to work through those emotions but as you do that be patient with yourself and with others. Spend time talking about them because they were yours and you were theirs and your lives were irrevocably intertwined. Nothing will ever change that fact.

 "Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.