Losing Mama

 My precious mama earned her wings January 24, 2019 and to say it’s been devastating and difficult to accept would be putting it mildly.  She and I were best friends, we did so much together and our lives were so entwined I am having a hard time accepting it, let alone dealing with it. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but truth be told I’d rather be with her. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to die I just miss my mama’s presence. I miss her smile, the way she said “hey baby” and her quirky way of doing almost anything.

Mama had a way about her. Everything she did was quirky.  For example, she would stand behind me while I cooked and watch.  I often said “Mama, I’m an adult, I’ve been cooking for many years without supervision” to which she would say “I know, I just wanna watch”.  Then we’d smile and laugh.  What I wouldn’t do to have her do that one more time, or to hear her say “Hey baby” when she saw me.  It’s funny what we miss when a loved one leaves this world behind for good.

I hate the finality.  It was a sudden death, so there was no time to say any last loving heartfelt words or to hear her say I love you one more time.  I am still trying to accept she’s gone, my mind still tells me that I need to call her and check in and then I catch myself and the grief is there all over again.  I know that in time it will get easier but right now it sucks.  Sorry but it’s my reality.  My new normal is hard to get acquainted with, I hate living without her smile and hugs and her obsession with weekly card games and bingo with her best friend Cathy.  I.  Hate.  It.  It’s over but I’m not ready for this new normal. She was my heart and I miss her and I’m mad she’s gone on to heaven without me.

That being said, I’m learning to navigate this new journey, sans mama, and it’s difficult to say the least but I’m doing it one difficult day after another.  One foot in front of the other, as they say. My brother and I just finished getting her estate all settled and we will  put her ashes in their final resting place in August.  There is so much minutiae involved in settling an estate it’s all overwhelming.  I thank God for my strong sweet brother, he did all the “heavy” lifting and I would never have made it without him.  He made it all go as smooth as something like this can go. We are bound together because of our sweet mama but this has brought us especially close and for that I’m eternally grateful, mama would certainly be happy. There is always something beautiful that comes when going through something so terrible and life changing.  In our case, a restored relationship. I choose to look for joy rather that dwell solely on my loss.  Mama deserves that.

I am blogging through my grief, while still learning to accept it and move forward without my best friend.  It’s been 5 months and 8 days since I’ve seen her beautiful face but I am confident that one day we will see each other again and oh what joy my soul shall feel!  This is the first of many posts and I’d be honored to have you follow me along.  Maybe by journaling I can learn to accept my loss and help others to deal with theirs.


"Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.