Wisdom From Trauma

"Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you got
Taking a break from all your worries
It sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?"

 

It's difficult finding my way through life without worries and especially sadness but that's a part of life, right?! We all deal with stress, worries and emotional turmoil from time to time.  I am so thankful that God uses these trials and worries to teach me something more lasting and something I can pass on to my children and maybe someone who is struggling with something I have weathered already. I'd like to think I have some modicum of wisdom somewhere in my pea brain. I don't always use that wisdom but it's in there somewhere and it does occasionally show up when I am in need of it.  At 48 I hope I have acquired some wisdom and that I have passed, at least, a tiny bit of it on to my 4 children.  The jury's still out on that. Time will tell.

For instance, I hope that I have taught each of them that the people we love can't and won't live forever but we can still keep pieces of them alive in our memories.  Also that death is not the end, it's just the beginning of the next chapter. Mama has been gone 6 months tomorrow but I am blessed to have many memories that I carry with me and anytime I want I can look back and remember the times I shared with her. Those memories help keep her alive in my mind. I also have the assurance that someday mama and I will be together again in heaven. To be honest I am a bit impatient to see and hug her but it's not my time yet, so in the meantime, I must be patient and wait.

 

I find myself dreaming of mama and how she died, it's disconcerting and heartbreaking.  I'd really rather never think of the way she died, but the mind is a funny thing and that memory is stamped indelibly in my memory bank.  I wake up many mornings with that memory shouting at me for attention and it makes for a very difficult way to start my day. I have to tell myself she didn't suffer much and that she went quickly but I'm not convinced and obviously my brain hasn't reconciled that thought either. I am trusting that it will eventually go quietly into the night and allow me some peace, someday. It's interesting how the mind works.  Mama died almost 6 months ago and I often think of calling her and talking to her, then shortly after I remember that I can't.  She has changed her last address to a new and better heavenly address. We are separated temporarily but I hope she can see me and is at peace with how things ended for her. I'm not sure if there is any wisdom to impart to my children or others in this situation, except maybe the lesson is to focus on the positive memories you made and to realize that your brain is still trying to find peace with the loss of someone so significant to you. Give yourself time to heal from the trauma, be patient and be kind to yourself. Allow your brain to adjust to this new reality. 

 I do understand that anyone who has lost someone they loved dearly knows how I feel,  but to me, it's as if I am the only one feeling this way. I can only assume that is normal, I don't know.  She was my best friend and such a beautiful presence and now she isn't.  Just like that, she isn't. You think it will never happen to you, until it does and then it's just over abruptly and there isn't time to say any last words or get one more hug, nothing! You're just left there trying to accept that your loved one is gone and you have no idea how to go on without them.  Your brain tries to adjust to this new world and it's a bit glitchy if I can be honest.  My brain still hasn't fully accepted she is gone, because sometimes a thought pops out and says I need to call mama and see how she is. Or, oh I want to share something with her, but I can't.  Does it take a year, two years to finally accept your loved one is gone or am I in for a lifetime of this? I suppose only time will tell.  Perhaps the lesson here is patience.  Don't rush it.  Allow yourself to take however long it takes to heal and move on in a positive and healthy way. I am trying to gently remind myself of this very thing.  

I had seriously different plans for mama and me.  She was semi-retired and we were going to see each other more often, go to the coast and take trips this summer, but that all changed suddenly.  Mama was so excited with her new lease on life, she was in remission from cancer and healthy and had such a lovely life ahead of her. I often wonder how God decided that mama's time was over. I have to trust he knows and sees the bigger picture and that this was for the best. I have to remember that someday it'll be made clear and I'll eventually understand. In the meantime, I must come to terms with her being gone. I am working on that. It will take time and it will take perseverance.  The wisdom here is, you can plan your future all you want but God has his own plans for you and they rarely line up perfectly with yours. Surrender and allow God to guide you. I am currently working on this one here.  It's not an easy thing to surrender and let someone else be in control, but it's a necessary thing with God. He sees the bigger picture and I believe he ultimately has our best interest at heart. 

 

 

I will continue to move forward and I truly hope that it will get easier with the passage of time.  I am incredibly blessed to have a large support system and a lot of soft shoulders to cry on. Blessings to you and yours as you go through the days ahead.

"Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.

The Aftermath Of Losing Someone

It's amazing just how profoundly loss effects your life.  Grief sneaks into every area of my day.  Not to say that I dwell constantly on missing mama but it's always there waiting to pop up unexpectedly.  It can be as simple as seeing a butterfly and it will remind me just how much I miss her. She loved butterflies. People keep saying, it'll get better with time but it's been 5 months and 15 days and I still feel so lost and sad.  I don't mean to say that I am a glummy gus or anything like that, it's just always there in the background

Grief is a complicated emotion. They say there are many facets of grief, I feel as though I am still in the shock and process of accepting it, stage 1.

I am also finding out that the stages don't always go in order nor do they only occur one time.  There are varying degrees of each stage and sometimes they come in waves that are as big as a building and other times they come in little drops here and there like a sprinkle during a summer storm. Some days I feel as though I have done a good job of accepting it and am moving through my day fairly in tact mentally then there are those other days where I am just sad and trying to make it to the end of the day without breaking down. See. I go from stage 5 right back to stage 1. That is okay. It's a process and I am moving through it in my own time and somedays I may go through every stage. I just have to remember to be patient with myself and others.

 If you have ever lost someone so significantly important in your life, you know exactly what I am saying. There is no rhyme or reason to loss, it ebbs and flows and if you are lucky you make it through to the other side in tact and mentally stronger.

As I said earlier grief impacts every area of life.  Every relationship you have is touched by grief, it invades your mind and wreaks havoc with your sleep and body. It takes away your ability to think clearly and is a continual reminder of just how much your life has changed. It changes the way you interact with your spouse especially if they are grieving the same loss as well.  It changes how happy go lucky you are into someone who is prone to cry at the drop of a hat.

I try to remember I am not the only one who is grieving my mama's passing, but my grief is what is front and center in my mind.  So as my family is moving through the grief process I know we are all doing it in our own way and in our own time, and that is okay. I can't help but feel that it is just my grief and my loss but it isn't.  Everyone who was touched by my precious mama is grieving. As we are going through this loss I can see we are still all in the beginning stages of loss, trying to accept she is gone and process the shock of her passing. Sometimes I see a glimpse of depression, lethargy, sadness and a general feeling of unwellness. At times it feels as if the grief will swallow me whole and I'll disappear.

 With all that being said, I soldier on like mamma would want and try to go on with my life as best I can.  I am working on reconnecting with God while going through this new part of my journey. It's hard and some days I'd really rather not speak to anyone else, in fact I'd really like to stay in bed and just not do life.  Fortunately I don't do those things because . .well, guilt I suppose.  The guilt stops me from staying in bed and from isolating myself.  I can't just disappear, I have a husband and children to tend to, relationships require daily intentional interaction.  I have a job and I am an integral part of the team there and it wouldn't be fair to leave them hanging every time I am having a difficult day.  Then there are the days I feel normal, and I'm laughing and smiling.  Those days I feel the most guilty. I am sure that is perfectly normal but it feels wrong.  So I am learning it's okay to feel whatever I am feeling regardless of if it's sadness, joy or crushing depression.  It'll pass.  Someday.  Not today but someday in the future. It.  Will.  Pass. 

So if you're going through grief, be kind and patient with yourself.  It changes everything and it is a long and arduous process.  It takes a lot of time and requires you to deal with many emotions at the same time.  It's going to be okay, maybe not today or tomorrow but someday it will be okay. Take this time to work through those emotions but as you do that be patient with yourself and with others. Spend time talking about them because they were yours and you were theirs and your lives were irrevocably intertwined. Nothing will ever change that fact.

 "Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.

Losing Mama

 My precious mama earned her wings January 24, 2019 and to say it’s been devastating and difficult to accept would be putting it mildly.  She and I were best friends, we did so much together and our lives were so entwined I am having a hard time accepting it, let alone dealing with it. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but truth be told I’d rather be with her. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to die I just miss my mama’s presence. I miss her smile, the way she said “hey baby” and her quirky way of doing almost anything.

Mama had a way about her. Everything she did was quirky.  For example, she would stand behind me while I cooked and watch.  I often said “Mama, I’m an adult, I’ve been cooking for many years without supervision” to which she would say “I know, I just wanna watch”.  Then we’d smile and laugh.  What I wouldn’t do to have her do that one more time, or to hear her say “Hey baby” when she saw me.  It’s funny what we miss when a loved one leaves this world behind for good.

I hate the finality.  It was a sudden death, so there was no time to say any last loving heartfelt words or to hear her say I love you one more time.  I am still trying to accept she’s gone, my mind still tells me that I need to call her and check in and then I catch myself and the grief is there all over again.  I know that in time it will get easier but right now it sucks.  Sorry but it’s my reality.  My new normal is hard to get acquainted with, I hate living without her smile and hugs and her obsession with weekly card games and bingo with her best friend Cathy.  I.  Hate.  It.  It’s over but I’m not ready for this new normal. She was my heart and I miss her and I’m mad she’s gone on to heaven without me.

That being said, I’m learning to navigate this new journey, sans mama, and it’s difficult to say the least but I’m doing it one difficult day after another.  One foot in front of the other, as they say. My brother and I just finished getting her estate all settled and we will  put her ashes in their final resting place in August.  There is so much minutiae involved in settling an estate it’s all overwhelming.  I thank God for my strong sweet brother, he did all the “heavy” lifting and I would never have made it without him.  He made it all go as smooth as something like this can go. We are bound together because of our sweet mama but this has brought us especially close and for that I’m eternally grateful, mama would certainly be happy. There is always something beautiful that comes when going through something so terrible and life changing.  In our case, a restored relationship. I choose to look for joy rather that dwell solely on my loss.  Mama deserves that.

I am blogging through my grief, while still learning to accept it and move forward without my best friend.  It’s been 5 months and 8 days since I’ve seen her beautiful face but I am confident that one day we will see each other again and oh what joy my soul shall feel!  This is the first of many posts and I’d be honored to have you follow me along.  Maybe by journaling I can learn to accept my loss and help others to deal with theirs.


"Limitations only exist if you let them" Godspeed...this comes from the Middle English expression "God spede (you)", a wish for success and fortune for one setting out on an enterprise, voyage, adventure, or travels. It may also mean good luck. © 2019 Shannon M. King. This publication is the exclusive property of Shannon M. King and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws. The contents of this post/story may not be reproduced as a whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without consent of the author, Shannon M. King. All rights reserved.